jalabert (jalabert) wrote,

FIC: The Mistletoe Capers

Greetings of the holiday season to you! For your reading pleasure, here are four ficlets from three different fandoms, flimsily connected by a single prompt--that wonderful little scapegoat--mistletoe.


Title: Awesome
Author: Jalabert
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Ford/McKay
Category: First time
Season/Episode: Any
Summary: Best laid plans often go awry.

"Yes!" Rodney cried as he lifted the small pot and examined it. "You know, I've been hoping that you botanists would eventually disprove my theory that bringing you to the Pegasus Galaxy was a complete waste of personnel. I think you've finally managed to convince me."

"You're welcome," Parrish said dryly. Rodney grinned at him and took his prize. Parrish rolled his eyes at the departing figure and returned to his work. Rodney strode down the corridor beaming. Aiden was walking in the opposite direction and smiled when he saw him coming.

"Hey, Doc," Aiden said, noting the shit-eating grin on his face. "Whatcha got?"

"Something brilliant! Something awesome! Something so diabolically clever that--."

"It's mistletoe."

"...You couldn't possibly--. What did you say?" Rodney cried, crestfallen. Aiden rolled his eyes.

"It's mistletoe."

"You couldn't possibly know that."

"And yet I do," he replied with a smirk. "What's so awesome and brilliant about it?"

"Well," Rodney said with a roguish smile. "It is mistletoe."

"Duh." Aiden shook his head and started to walk away. Rodney frowned and followed him, determined to impress the young Marine.

"Don't you get it? I'm going to score some awesome ass with this!"

Aiden's reaction was not what he expected.

"You... Some 'awesome ass.' Whose?"

"Well," Rodney flustered. "I didn't exactly have a particular person in mind. I--."

"You just thought you would wander around the halls till someone took pity on you and decided to put out?"

"No!" Rodney cried indignantly.

"Let me do you a favor, Doc," Aiden said as they reached the door to his quarters. "Step into my office."

"Look, I don't need any advice from--." Rodney sighed dejectedly and followed Aiden into his room. Aiden took the plant from him and set it down. "All right, what--."

Aiden abruptly pulled him into his arms and kissed him until he was dizzy. After a few minutes, Aiden released him and Rodney fell back against the door, panting. Aiden calmly picked up the plant and handed it back to him, wearing a shit-eating grin of his own.

"By the way, if you want some of this 'awesome ass,' you're going to have to show me something far more interesting than a plant," he said. Aiden gently pushed Rodney aside and stepped out of the room. He continued on his way down the hall, leaving the stunned man behind.

The End

Title: Mistletoe Mystery
Author: Jalabert
Fandom: CSI: NY
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Messer/Hawkes
Category: First time
Season/Episode: Any
Summary: There's a time and a place for anything, right?

“George Ackles, 77 years old,” Don Flack said, his eyes on Sheldon as he knelt at the victim's side and began a cursory examination. “His wife came home from shopping, found him lying there like that. No signs of forced entry; nothing's been disturbed, according to Mrs. Ackles. The neighbor next door heard a thump, but didn't see anyone exit or enter the apartment.”

“In other words, suspicious circs,” Danny concluded as he pulled out a camera and began to snap photos of the scene.

“Probably not,” Sheldon replied, his years of experience as a pathologist making the diagnosis a simple task. “See this?” Don squatted beside him and Danny knelt at the victim's other side. “His neck's broken at the third vertebra,” he said, launching into a brief but technical explanation of the man's fatal injury. Danny nodded and resumed collecting photographic evidence.

“So being found lying on the floor in the middle of his living room with a broken neck while Bing Crosby croons 'White Christmas' in the background--in an apartment that was secured from the inside, I might add, since Mrs. Ackles forgot her key and we had to break the door down--doesn't strike you at all as a bit suspicious?” Don asked sarcastically. Sheldon graced him with an indulgent look and got to his feet.

“Was there a ladder in here when you arrived?”

“Got it,” Danny said before Don could answer. He walked over to the folding ladder that was lying on the floor in a corner of the room. “I bet the EMTs moved it when they were trying to work on the vic.” He brought it back to the center of the room and placed it beside the body. “Yeah; see those little grooves in the rug? The ladder fits right inside the four marks.”

“So clue me in,” Don demanded impatiently.

“The coroner will have to confirm it via autopsy, but at this point it looks like Mr. Ackles was on the ladder and fell,” Sheldon said.

“You mean he fell and broke his neck?” Don asked doubtfully. “That ladder isn't even four feet high!”

“It's not just a matter of height. Bones become harder and more brittle as you age. Mr. Ackles was in his late seventies,” Sheldon explained, “and showed signs of severe osteoporosis. See the 'dowager's hump' on his spine? That means he's already suffered compression fracture of the spine. Given that, he could have easily broken his neck from such a fall. Thousands of seniors die that way each year.”

“Sad business,” Don said glumly, “especially with the holidays coming.”

“So maybe it wasn't murder,” Danny said, “but before we call this a done deal we'd better dot all our i's and cross all our t's or Mac will have our collective asses in a sling.” He looked around the room. “Why was the guy on the ladder? He was using it right here, where he fell.” He looked up. “There's no fixture up there.”

“You're right,” Don said, casting about for a clue. “I don't see any reason for the guy to be on a ladder.”

“Well, if the ladder was moved it stands to reason that something else might have been moved as well,” Sheldon said as a team from the coroner's office arrived to collect the body. He stepped aside to let the team bag and tag the deceased man.

“All right,” Don said, closing his memo book. “I'll have a word with Mrs. Ackles and see if she has any ideas.” He nodded at Sheldon and left the room. Sheldon looked around the spacious parlor, taking in the gaily decorated tree, the garland festooning the mantle, the Christmas cards pinned to ribbons on display.

“They were looking forward to the holidays,” he said sadly.

“Yeah,” Danny said absently as he looked around the room once more. “I got nothing,” he concluded after several minutes. “How about you?”

“I got tape.”

Danny looked over at Sheldon, who'd been examining the area of the floor that had been previously covered by the body. As he crossed the room, Sheldon spied something sticking out from under the sofa. He reached for it and produced what appeared at first glance to be a bundle of herbs.

“Whatcha got?” Danny asked. Sheldon held up a roll of cellophane tape in his other hand, but his eyes were focused on the foliage.

“Viscum album, more commonly known as mistletoe.”

“You gotta be kidding me! What, are you serious? Mr. Ackles was hanging mistletoe when he fell?”

“Why not?”

“Why not? He was a septuagenarian, for crying out loud! You're telling me that this little old guy was tryin' to get a little sumpin' sumpin' from the Mrs?”

“Just because a man turns seventy doesn't mean he can't be romantic,” Sheldon said with a smile.

“If you say so,” Danny said dismissively. “But if you ask me, it ain't natural.”

“What's so unnatural about it?” Sheldon challenged. He handed Danny the tape and bagged the mistletoe. “I bet he was planning to surprise his wife when she came home.”

“Mission accomplished,” Danny said with a snort. Sheldon gave him a reproachful look. “Hey, I'm as romantic as the next guy, but if you ask me, there's a point in your life when you go for it and a point in your life when you don't.”

“And that point is when, exactly?”

Danny took the bag of mistletoe from Sheldon's hand and stared at it for few seconds. Then he abruptly leaned forward and kissed Sheldon square on the mouth.

“Merry Christmas, doc.”

Sheldon blinked at him for a second, then shook his head and laughed.

The End

Title: Follow the Evidence
Author: Jalabert
Fandom: CSI: NY
Rating: Teen
Pairing: Flack/Hawkes
Category: Established relationship
Season/Episode: Any
Summary: A good CSI always follows the evidence.

“I saw you,” Don said accusingly. He was pacing back and forth agitatedly, as though he'd been struggling to deal with what he was about to say.

“You saw me,” Sheldon repeated quizzically. Don ran a hand through his short hair, leaving it comically tufted.

“You and Messer, back at the Ackles',” he replied, leaning in and speaking softly. “You were kissing.”

“We weren't 'kissing,' Don. Danny kissed me.”

“And why would he do that?”


“Mistletoe?” Don asked suspiciously. “Messer's carrying mistletoe, now?”

“He wasn't carrying it,” Sheldon explained with a laugh. “We found it at the scene. As I told you earlier, the vic's COD was a broken neck, the result of falling off the ladder. Well, Mr. Ackles had apparently climbed the ladder to put up a sprig of mistletoe.”

“Get outta here! You think Mr. Ackles was on that ladder trying to get laid?”


“Isn't that what mistletoe's all about? Hey, wait a minute,” Don said, drawing Sheldon into the corner of the break room. “Was Danny trying to put a move on you?”

Sheldon's mouth fell open, but before he could reply, Mac interrupted with a call out to another crime scene. Six hours passed before they spoke again.

“So you and Messer?” Don said without preamble, as soon as Sheldon walked into the room.

“Jealous much?” he said teasingly. He pulled Don into his arms and nuzzled his throat.

“I'm not jealous,” Don insisted. “I just want to know what's going on between you two.”

“You sure you aren't jealous?” Sheldon asked, tickling his ear with his lips. “I think it's kind of hot.”

“Do you, now?” Don asked with a slightly smug grin.

“You know, you don't have to worry about Danny,” Sheldon drawled in his ear. “I've already got me a good-looking boy toy.”

“And don't you forget it,” Don replied gruffly. Sheldon smiled and kissed away his pout. “So is he a better kisser than me?”

“I hardly have a strong enough basis for comparison, do I?” Sheldon replied, running his hands up the sides of Don's torso.

“Oh, so now you wanna go back and kiss Messer again?” he spat incredulously. Sheldon rolled his eyes at Don's mild histrionics. “That's what you CSI guys do, right? Collect evidence?”

“I'm collecting evidence right now,” Sheldon replied softly, lifting one hand to Don's jaw and running it up the side of his face. He let his thumb drift lightly over Don's mouth before the hand continued its travels, ending up at the back of Don's head as Sheldon pulled it down to kiss. They spent the next several minutes making out in the middle of Don's living room like a pair of high schoolers, before Don finally pulled away, panting. “The evidence never lies,” Sheldon said, smiling.

“And what's the evidence telling you?”

“A lot of things,” he replied cagily. Don sighed impatiently and started to speak. “My conclusions could hardly be called scientific, but I definitely prefer you,” Sheldon said, forestalling his comment.

“Yeah?” he asked tentatively. “You sure?”

“Well, I could do a by-the-book comparison, if you want,” Sheldon said, releasing him and walking over to the chair where he'd thrown his jacket.

“No way,” Don said, grabbing him by the arm. “Get back over here. I'm not letting you within twenty feet of Messer.”

“I don't need him,” Sheldon said impishly. “Just this,” he said, plucking a sprig of mistletoe from the pocket of the jacket in his hand. “Danny's a good guy. Full of good ideas,” he said, holding the mistletoe up for Don to inspect.

“Let me see that,” Don said, putting his height advantage to good use. He dipped his head to kiss Sheldon. “What do you think?”

“Very nice,” Sheldon replied. “How about you?”

“Well, I'm no CSI...”

“...But you do have an opinion.”

“Yeah, I do,” Don said as he tossed the mistletoe away. “I think we should skip the experiment. Kissing you is definitely a two-hand job.”

The End

Title: I Dare You
Author: Jalabert
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: Mature
Pairing: Morgan/Reid
Category: First time
Season/Episode: Any
Summary: The greater the risk, the greater the reward.

"What's in it for me?" Morgan asked, looking across the room at Reid, who'd managed to get drunk on half the amount of alcohol the other members of the team had consumed at the Christmas party. Morgan had teasingly called him a cheap date, prompting Garcia to issue a dare.

"Cold, hard cash," Garcia replied. "...And possibly a black eye," she added under her breath. Morgan heard her remark and snorted derisively.

"You think I can't take him?" he asked.

"Now that I would pay to see," JJ declared with a lecherous gleam in her eye. Morgan rolled his eyes.

"Put your money where your mouth is," Garcia replied. She opened her wallet and pulled out a few bills. "Make it happen."

"It ain't happening here," Morgan insisted.

"It's just a little kiss," JJ purred. "You afraid of a little kiss?"

"Why don't you kiss him?"

"He's not my type."

"And you think he's mine?" Morgan spat incredulously.

"I have no idea and, frankly, I could care less. Just do it."


"What's going on?" Elle asked, looking up from her desk.

"We're trying to get Morgan, here, to kiss Reid," JJ said bluntly.

"Really? Why?"

"Why not?" Garcia answered boldly.

"Aside from the fact that it's a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen?" Elle smiled wryly and shrugged.

"Got a twenty?" Garcia challenged, realizing that Elle wasn't going to prevent them from having their fun.

"Come on, tightwad," JJ cried. "It's Christmas." To everyone's surprise, Elle produced twenty dollars and handed it over, glancing over at Reid, who was oblivious to the conversation and playing a video game.

"What's he doing?" she asked.

"Nintendo DS," Morgan replied. "He's trying to prove that he's not incapacitated by demonstrating his manual dexterity." Elle raised her eyebrows.

"Good thing he didn't chose to prove it at the firing range."

"All right, enough talk," Garcia interrupted. "I want some action. We've got--." She paused to count the money. "...A hundred dollars here; that ought to make it worth your while." She extended her hand. "Do it or be called 'Chicken Shit' for the next three months."

"That's it, Garcia," JJ said. "Appeal to his ego." Morgan glared at her and sighed before reaching out to take the bills. "I'll get the mistletoe."

"Mistletoe?" he said. "For what?"

"You need a prop; it'll be romantic," JJ said, "and it will give you a perfect excuse if anyone asks."

Morgan rolled his eyes and pocketed the cash. He returned to his desk while JJ disappeared and came back a moment later with a sprig of mistletoe from the party room. She grabbed a chair and hung it over a door inside the suite of offices. She replaced the chair and called Reid. He looked up and she beckoned him over. He gave her a confused look, but clumsily complied. Morgan took a deep breath.

"Nervous?" Garcia asked.

"No," Morgan said hastily. She smiled and pressed a one hundred dollar bill into his hand. He looked at it and then at her.

"It's my mad money," she explained. "Always keep it on me in case an extraordinary opportunity presents itself." Morgan eyed her warily. She wrapped his fingers around the bill. "That's for tongue," she whispered.

"You have got to be kidding."

Garcia shook her head.

"Make it good."

Morgan smiled to himself as he took up a position near the door. A few seconds later, JJ returned. She winked at him and stepped aside. When Reid appeared, Morgan grabbed him by the lapels, slammed him up against the door frame and kissed him for all he was worth. After about five seconds, he let Reid go. The bewildered recipient stared at Morgan for a moment before collapsing to the floor.

"That's probably what I'd do if he kissed me like that," JJ said, propping her chin.

"Amen, sister," Garcia agreed. Elle shook her head and went to help Morgan get Reid to his feet. He wore a slightly dazed expression as they drew him over to a chair.

"I'd better see him home," Morgan said guiltily. The others agreed and Elle helped Morgan get Reid out to his car.

"You sure you don't want me to take him?" Elle offered.

"Nah, his crib is on my way," Morgan replied. "Besides..."

"Yeah. Well, Merry Christmas," she said. Morgan returned the greeting and started his car. Twenty minutes later he woke Reid and told him he was home. Reid blinked owlishly and let Morgan help him out of the car and up to his apartment. He didn't protest when Morgan frisked him for his keys and opened his door, nor did he speak when Morgan peeled off his coat, sat him down on the sofa and disappeared into the bathroom. He returned a moment later and Reid heard the distant sound of the shower running. He calmly gazed at Morgan when he bent on one knee and began to untie Reid's shoe.

"That was some kiss," he said languidly, as he reached out and lightly ran a hand over Morgan's head. Morgan looked up and removed the hand before resuming his task. Reid giggled and closed his eyes. "So how much did you make?"

"Two hundred."

"Two hundred? For one kiss?"

"Unlike you, I'm not a cheap date."

"I'm not cheap. Pay up," Reid demanded, suddenly completely sober and alert. Morgan reached into his pocket, counted out fifty dollars and handed it over.

"That's not half."

"Never said I'd split it fifty-fifty," Morgan replied impishly. "I got extra for tongue."

"Who--? Never mind. I don't want to know," Reid said, shaking his head. "Still, I ought to get more than fifty bucks for my acting job. You have to admit I was quite a convincing drunk."

"Oh, you're about to be rewarded, believe me," Morgan said as he tossed a shoe over his shoulder and rose. He pulled Reid to his feet and pushed his hands up under Reid's sweater vest. "I hate these things."

"You hate me in clothes, period."

"Yeah," Morgan admitted with a smile. He tossed the offending garment away and pulled Reid into his arms. "Spence," he murmured as the nuzzled soft, warm skin of Reid's neck. Reid squirmed under the gentle assault. He lifted his head to allow Morgan better access to his throat and squirmed again. "You're so damned ticklish," Morgan complained lightly before lifting his mouth to Reid's. They kissed, at first teasingly and then more deeply, as Morgan unbuttoned Reid's shirt and pulled it off. Reid broke the kiss to return the favor for Morgan.

"You know, we should have gone with my original idea," he said as he reached for Morgan's belt. "The greater the risk, the greater the reward. At least the perception of risk; they would have paid a lot more money to see me kiss you instead of the other way around."

"Maybe," Morgan replied. "But they'd never credit you with having the balls to accept the challenge."

"Yes, but it's illogical that they'd go for what's so obviously a sucker bet."

"Hey, don't go Einstein on me. Let's just savor our success."

"Your success; I got shortchanged in the deal, remember?" Reid protested. Morgan let his pants drop to the floor and stepped out of them.

"Hey, I'm about to give you something worth a lot more than fifty bucks," he whispered huskily into Reid's ear. He followed the promise with a slow lick from the tip of Reid's earlobe to the base of his collarbone. Reid shuddered and Morgan smiled smugly. "Bathroom. Now." Reid smiled and led the way.

"You know," he said a few minutes later, "I bet no one at the BAU would believe that I could drink you under the table."

"Thinking up another way to pry money out of Garcia's hot little hands?" Morgan said as he soaped the globes of Reid's firm ass.

"Yes; we might have to wait until Saint Patrick's day for the optimum opportunity, but--."

Morgan pulled him closer, grinding their erections together, and silenced him with a kiss.

The End
Tags: awesome, criminal minds, csi:ny, flack/hawkes, follow the evidence, ford/mckay, i dare you, messer /hawkes, mistletoe mystery, morgan/reid, stargate: atlantis

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