jalabert (jalabert) wrote,

FIC: Clueless

Title: Clueless
Author: Jalabert
Rating: General
Warnings: None
Summary: Cameron tries to board the clue bus, but Teal'c keeps knocking him off.
Prompt: SG-1, Teal'c/Mitchell: sparring leads to something else - this isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in oncoming traffic.

I don't know what possessed me to ask Teal'c to spar with me this morning. I was bone-tired from yesterday's mission, and Dr. Lam strongly suggested that I take it easy for a few days to recover from the head butt that smelly cow-beast back on PX3-199 laid on me after I pissed her off. But that head butt was nothing compared to the one Teal'c just laid on me.

He seemed a bit more aggressive than usual this morning. We planned on doing a little hand to hand, but things quickly spiraled out of control. I say this because two hundred-fifty pounds of angry Jaffa suddenly pinned me to the wall single-handed. He glared into my eyes with that look he gets when he goes totally badass. I never had that look directed at me before and I now understand just how badly it sucks to be the target of his wrath. Too bad he was contemplating crushing my Adam's apple. He looked so damned hot standing there that I wanted to grab hold of him and kiss him senseless. Of course, I couldn't exactly move and even if I could, I'm not sure I would have reached his mouth before I passed out. Leave it to me to be crushing on the guy who was about to throttle me.

“I would be well within my rights to kill you where you stand,” Teal'c said calmly, loosening his grip on my throat just enough to let me breathe. “Give me one reason why I should not.”

I could barely think, much less offer up a reason. My vocal chords were too constricted to vibrate and I felt a strange pressure building in my ears. I gestured with my hands as I absently began to wonder if my face was turning blue, like in the comics.

Teal'c abruptly loosened his choke hold and I crumpled to the floor in a grateful heap. I was dizzy, slightly nauseous and not a little afraid, but I climbed to my feet anyway, intent on staggering over to the bench for a drink of water. Whoops--mad guy on my six. That's a very bad thing--sort of like turning your back on a charging grizzly, only dumber.

Teal'c grabbed the back of my sweats and hauled me up like I was a largemouth bass on a hook. The bastard is as strong as an ox. It's one thing to know that intellectually and another to experience it in the form of a wedgie that made my life pass before my eyes. I wanted to explain to Teal'c that the family jewels were in imminent danger of being reduced to paste, but it was all I could do to stifle a girlish scream.

“I asked you a question, Colonel Mitchell.”

This time I had the good sense to stay down when he dropped me. I waited for the searing pain to subside a bit before I rolled over to look up at him.

“Why don't you just go ahead and kill me, Teal'c?” I managed, sounding as pathetic as I felt. “You're already about seventy percent of the way there.” Sarcasm. I'm so dead. And I'm going to die without even knowing why he's so damned angry at me.

He reached for me again, this time grabbing me by the front of my tee shirt and most of the hair on my chest. I was hauled to my feet and and slammed up against the nearest wall.

“If you didn't want to spar all you had to do was say no,” I heard myself say. What the hell was wrong with me? I suddenly couldn't shut my mouth to save my life. Not that my life could be saved at this point. Teal'c looked really mad--lethal, kill-first-and-ask-questions-later mad.

Maybe Sam was right--men do carry their brains in their dicks. Mine was totally FUBAR so maybe I couldn't think straight. All I know is I was babbling and Teal'c was rearing back with that Howitzer-sized arm and aiming at my face. I shut my eyes, preferring that the last thing I see not be his fist flying at my face. I felt it the air move but I felt no pain. Maybe I was dead. I always thought it would hurt more.

“Will you not give me the satisfaction of an answer, Colonel Mitchell?”

I opened my eyes and saw the fist poised just inches from my nose.

“Hell, Teal'c, I don't even understand the damned question,” I confessed hoarsely.

Once again I was dropped unceremoniously. I thought briefly about having Lam check out my knees--if I lived, of course--as Teal'c gently drew me to my feet and helped me to the bench. I grabbed the towel and discovered that I was bleeding from somewhere, but I was too tired to care as I quickly wiped my face. It belatedly occurred to me that the fact that Teal'c took his first swing at me before I had a chance to put on my headgear ought to have been my first clue that something was less than hunky dorky in Jaffa Town.

“You are bleeding.”

“Yeah, I noticed that. Thank you.”

I had just enough sense left not to point out that the bleeding is his fault. I expect that he knew that, but I can't somehow escape the notion that Teal'c probably saw it differently.

“Would you mind backing up a bit and letting me in on whatever it is I did to piss you off so much that you're contemplating my death?”

“You do not know?”

I looked up at the big fella--who wasn't even breathing hard, mind you--and gaped. Did he really think I'd let him beat the shit out of me if I'd known what the hell was going on? I opened my mouth to answer him and thought better of it. My dick didn't hurt as much as before. Damn; if that wasn't purely coincidence, Sam may be on to something.

“What's going on, Teal'c?” I asked.

“You worked with General Landry to prepare the SGC budget.”

“Yes?” I replied warily.

“You told the general that I had no need of premium channels or digital cable.”

“What?” I shouted, rising to my feet. “You want to kill me over HBO?”

“Actually, I have a decided preference for BBC America. Colonel Carter says I am addicted to it. I do not believe that one can develop an addiction to television, however I am particularly fond of Torchwood.

“Oh, for crying out loud, Teal'c!” I shouted recklessly. “You cannot be serious! Wait--where's the general?”

“I presume he is in his office.”

“So I'm the only one you planned to kill.”

“I would not have killed you, Colonel Mitchell.”

Well, that was some comfort. I'd been beaten up by the only bullshitting Jaffa in the galaxy.

“Look, Teal'c, I'm sorry about your cable. We had to deal with severe budget cuts.”

“It was a 'perk' General O'Neill promised me in perpetuity. You broke faith with that promise when you canceled it.”

“Look, I'll make it up to you,” I said as I slowly rose and tried to move toward the locker room without limping. I'll be looking at shelled nuts sympathetically for the rest of my life. “I'll pay for your cable out of my own pocket; how's that?”

“That is not necessary, Colonel Mitchell.”

That's not necessary? You were in a rage over losing Torchwood and now it's just okay?”

“I did not say that. I will give the matter some thought. Perhaps we can come to an alternative arrangement.”

“Whatever you say, big guy,” I muttered. I took a deep breath (my ribs hurt like a bitch) and rested my head against the cool tile in the entrance of the locker room. Teal'c placed his hand on my back and I had to force myself not to flinch. But he gently led me to the shower area and went to turn on the water. He pulled off my tee shirt and bent to remove my sneaks and socks. Being too tired to protest, I let him strip off my shorts and cup before he put me under the water. I held myself up with both hands and let it run over my aching body as Teal'c withdrew. But a moment later he returned.

He reached past me for the soap and pulled me upright so that he could lather my chest. That's when it registered that he was naked. I relaxed against his body and closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation of his body pressed against mine. He washed my front and then let me lean against the wall again so he could wash my back. When his hand moved between my thighs I was suddenly very glad--not for the first time--that SG-1 had its own locker room. Teal'c was very thorough--he washed every inch of me and rinsed me off before pulling me upright again.

I opened my eyes when the water was shut off. I felt so mellow and relaxed that I didn't want to move. By this time I was also sporting a hard-on that could drill through brick and I didn't want to turn around. Of course, Teal'c already knew about it--he'd washed it for me. Still...

“Can you dress yourself?” he said in my ear. I managed a nod. Teal'c disappeared and after a second I turned around, somewhat disappointed to find myself alone in the locker room. I quickly lost my erection and, feeling sore and stupid, I quickly dressed. SG-1 had a 72-hour furlough so I wanted nothing more than to get out of Dodge before he came back. I grabbed my stuff and was about to head out when the locker room door opened. Teal'c was back and dressed for a trip off base.

“Colonel Mitchell,” he said gravely. “Since SG-1 is off-duty for the next three days and I have no access to my favored television stations, perhaps you will consent to allow me to watch television at your domicile.”

Interesting way to wangle a date, Teal'c. Big points for making it impossible to say no, but the initial approach sucked seven ways to Sunday. And up to that minute I'd been ready to declare him to be the world's biggest cock tease, too. But three days alone with Teal'c--I'd take that any way I could get it.

“Why, not?” I said, smiling at the suggestion. “It's the least I could do.”


I noticed that he was carrying a bag and eyed it pointedly. Confident bastard.

“I thought perhaps we would need a few things,” he explained.

“A few things,” I repeated.


Mr. Happy was suddenly threatening to rear its head again. I quickly gestured for Teal'c to lead the way out. We headed for the surface and by the time we reached the car he'd laid out his viewing plans for the evening. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had no premium cable stations but somehow I didn't really think he'd mind. We'd find some other way to kill time.

The End
Tags: cameron mitchell, clueless, stargate: sg-1, teal'c, teal'c/cameron

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